Ranking the Sex Lives of College Girls' Boys
as lena dunham in S02E6 of girls and charli xcx once said- boys <3
hi!
It’s true, I and many others have been watching The Sex Lives of College Girls season 2 these past few weeks. I wrote about it at the beginning of the season, highlighting how above all, the show is infinitely watchable. Something about the shenanigans, the relatability, the HBO (money) outfits pull you in. These characters become your companions, your silly little girls who get up to hijinks and mischief! While I don’t regret anything I said about it at the beginning of the season, it’s startling to consider that the show literally only lasted a month. Like truly, she didn’t stick around at all!
This newest season was… yeah! A Season! It felt barely present, more a light appetizer than the main course I’d want to sink my teeth into. In one 20-30 minute episode, characters go through what another show would’ve taken an entire season to do! We are running so quickly through all these love interests and plot points, I’m simultaneously left waiting for more and exhausted. Like damn girl let me catch my breath! Kimberly can’t afford college so she SELLS HER EGGS??! Bela’s monogamy era lasted like… one episode? And then onto the next and next and next disaster, Whitney… (tragic!) and Leighton arguably had the best arc? I felt her story was a bit more breathable. Still. My hope for the future is that the show slooowwss dowwwnn. Why are you running?
In any case, there are other people (grownups and real life entertainment publications) who write things on the main plot of the show, and as someone obsessed with side characters and always somehow carrying divisive opinions, (and because Kay said I should) I figured I’d do a definitive and comprehensive ranking of all (most of… all the ones I remember at least) the boys on the sex lives of college girls.
#7. Frat Bois/ Short King
In setting out to do this piece, I decided pretty arbitrarily that the boys only count in the rankings if they said lines. That being said, there is no way I will individually pick out all the random frat bros the main characters came in contact with this season. To group them all (and the RANDOM ‘Short King’ mission Bela was on for like, two scenes), these boys are bland and essentially placeholders to move the story along. It’s also distracting because they play pretty good music at their parties? Which is simply not true to reality. Authentic frat boys don’t know what 212 is.
#6. White Man in Comedy
I do not like this man. If you ask me, he is solely to blame for Morocco’s World Cup semi-final loss. To be honest he was set up to fail for me because I always liked the (objectively dreamier) co-chief editor from season 1. Ryan turned out to be a sex pest, we are left with Eric and Bela’s WTF relationship. He made my girl Bela act crazy, and to be honest he was doing a lot for a guy whose personality hasn’t evolved much from the weird ‘everything sux’ guy in your high school English class. Mean girls are HOT, mean boys need to grow up and go play a team sport or something! Work out that ‘self-deprecating humour’ AWAY from me!!!
#5. Nico & Dalton
These are ghosts of season 1’s past, they make the ranking because they did play pretty large roles last szn, but also we are moving onward and upward from them. Dalton was dumber than a bag of rocks, it was scary!! The only thing I remember about Nico was that he was hot, kind (the only ethical frat boy in the world?) and unconvincingly siblings with Leighton.
#4. Jackson
If you’re a climate refugee, why are you white? His look sort of alludes to a Channing Tatum hotness, but then he opens his mouth and it’s like lights on but no one’s home. Just static going on in his head. I fear this is a problem with a lot of male characters in this show- their entire lives seem to revolve around the main girls, their quirks and personalities hinge on how this would affect or is good for Kimberley, Whitney, or Bela (Leighton excluded for obvious and very gay reasons.) On one hand, half of me doesn’t feel so bad about this, it’s simply a subversion of decades of television that starred ‘complex’ male protagonists with their often heterosexual love interst pushed to the side, dependent on them. On the other hand, I do mourn the loss of these boys’ stories. Take when Kimberley was striking with her fellow campus workers and Jackson seemingly unknowingly crossed the picket line. Why did he do that? What’s his story? How at his big age did he never learn about worker’s rights? Instead, Kimberley is just like… support me pls and he’s like ok and buys her food and that’s it. Sad!
#3. Some buy from Bio class
Nepo baby #1. Charlie Hall, son of ̶V̶i̶c̶e̶-̶P̶r̶e̶s̶i̶d̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶S̶e̶l̶i̶n̶a̶ ̶M̶e̶y̶e̶r̶ Julia Louis-Dreyfus. What’s fun is both he and Mother are Northwestern alum. He graduated a few years ago, which shows how ooooollld he is lmao. It's like when Cole Sprouse played a highschooler in Suite Life on Deck, took a break, went to college, then went back to playing a high schooler in Riverdale. You have aged out baby, and that’s okay! The only reason Andrew (had to google his name, didn’t even remember it!) made it this far is the basketball scene… I won’t lie, it moved me a little. I could almost see what had Whitney acting crazy1. Yeah as long as he is tall and sweaty he can carry on, besides that I am mostly apathetic to the Andrew cause.
#2. Canaan
Hot. Sexy. Can do no wrong2. He is the moment, he is forever and ever, I will always think of him. I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care, I can’t think of a single bad thing to say about this man. 10000% dreamboat. Next!
#1. LoveLeo
Some might wonder… wait, who is he?! How did he make it above Canaan?! Well it is my list to do with what I want. And I Love. Leo Reilly. I don’t really know where I first heard of him, but there was a period in 2020 when it felt like everyone was talking about him? Especially to do with the music he was releasing under his artist name Loveleo. Then it came out that he’s John C. Reilly’s son?! AND THEN they were in GQ together?! To me, once you’re in GQ, you’re really very very famous. Who else in this cast has been profiled in GQ? Some very light googling has proved not much, therefore I’ve seen enough! Leo is the coolest, most stylish, most excellent little character in The Sex Lives of College Girls. Long Live Laird3!
And so as quickly as it came, season 2 ended, with a season 3 renewal promised. Of course, with the way Mr. Zaslav is playing right now, I’ll believe it when I see it (RIP Minx). I can only hope the future of Sex Lives sees these boys GROW a PERSONALITY, at the very least some BACKBONE, whatever comes first! Less flavourless characters for the girls to simply bounce off of in search of the next messy plotline, more cool Leos!
P.S. special honourable mentions MUST be given to the messy gay boy whose name i forgot but who will always be famous, and the guest comedian who was kind of hot but ultimately a BAD GUY.
fucking in the library!!?!?!?
some people might point to the kiss that happened in the finale, but i consider this more of a whitney/kimbery problem to sort out!!! leave my man out of it!
to be real, we’re gonna need a name change in here…